I'm not really sure what age I was the first time my brother and I were put into a state funded children's home, but I do remember that the first one in Missouri wasn't a good one. When I was about nineteen my Grandpa Jim asked me what my youngest memory was, it was of that first home. They served a dinner of Liver and Onions with Rice, everyone had finished their food except my brother who said the food was making him feel sick. Things get a little hazy here because I remember being in a room right off the Dining Room decorating a Christmas Tree but my mom swears we never in any of the homes during Christmas but her and I remember things differently even when I have physical proof. The other children and I were decorating a tree and my brother start at this table eating this food while he threw it back up into one of those five gallon paint buckets. I think hearing that was my youngest memory broke my Grandpa's heart, I know when it crosses my mind it breaks my heart every time because I am left wondering if that was the turning point for Bobby. In reality there are so many points in both our lives where we were given two paths to walk sometimes we walked the wrong one sometimes the right one.

  There were many men that came in and out of our lives, some good some just assholes, then came Kenny............

  One day I swear to myself that I am going to get a grip on the chaos that is my life, but it seems that when things are getting better a whole new ton of bricks is dropped in my lap. No this isn't one of those poor me thoughts that no one will never read, it's more of a 'we all got shanked in this joke we call life because no matter the money or fame we will always be left wanting something that we all in the end be missing. I write, it helps me to calm my nerves to just put thought to paper to help me better understand what my state of mind was when certain things in my life shaped who I have become today,

  I know I shouldn't be here to even be here to write this today because my brother and I had our numbers drawn early on in life. Our mother was dating a man who had a need for heart medication, I am not sure who was watching us or where they were at that the time but Bobby and I between the two of us took that entire bottle. We were very young, probably two and four, it wasn't good and I have no memory of it but I did once see an article and a picture of me with a the firefighter who saved our lives. We both dies that day but thank to a perfect stranger we are both here today. You would think knowing that we had that close call would make the both of us wise an following the straight and arrow of like, but you would be wrong. This was just the start of what would become lives that were plagued with many things no two kids should have to go though.